worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
