Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize