good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
