someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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