Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
