Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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