connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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