oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
