Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need to calm my uterus...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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