Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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