I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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