i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
