I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
