I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
