Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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