a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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