Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
