I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
im having a threesome with these popsicles
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
