I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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