this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
