Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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