If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
