you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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