Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
