I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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