just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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