Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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