stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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