He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
