Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
