ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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