So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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