And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
