and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
