Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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