Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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