The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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