Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
