apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
