why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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