yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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