Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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