When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Pooping to opera.
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