i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.