do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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