We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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