Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
