Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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