His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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