why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
