So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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