theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
